Smithy
Site Owner
Joined: 18 Jan 2008
Posts: 135
Location: Scotland
|
 Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 11:42 am Post subject: Old Firm Jokes! |
 |
|
A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan.
The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Rangers fan replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
____________________________________________________
A Celtic supporting family were out shopping and ended up in a sports shop. Little Shaun suddenly puts on a Rangers shirt and says to his sister 'Look, I'm a Rangers fan!' His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show their mum.
He wanders over to his mum and says Ma look, 'I'm a Rangers fan' His mother also slaps him across the face and orders him to show his dad. He finds his dad and say's 'Da', da', I'm a Rangers fan' His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him across the face.
On their way home in the car the family turn to him and say 'Well we hope you've learned something today' To which little Shaun replies 'Yeah, I've only been a Rangers fan for twenty minutes and I already hate you Celtic bastards!'
____________________________________________________
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Celtic fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty pound note. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
____________________________________________________
Celtic FC have set up a counselling hotline for depressed fans.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.. yes that's 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing.
____________________________________________________
Q: How do you get a Celtic fan to stand up?
A: Say "Will the defendant please rise."
____________________________________________________
Q: Do you know what CELTIC really stands for?
A: Celtic Even Lost To Inverness Caley
____________________________________________________
Q: What do you have when 100 Celtic fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
____________________________________________________
A Loyal Gers Fan walks into a Park Head bar with his pet alligator and say's to the barman;
'A pint o' heavy for me And a double whisky for the 'gator'.
The barman replies; 'Sorry sir, we don't serve your kind in here This is a Green bar!'
The loyal Ger fan asks if they serve Celtic fans.
The barman says yes, of course we do! So the man replies 'Well, I'll have three for my alligator!'
____________________________________________________
There was a group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up and said that he could tell a Celtic joke.
Suddenly a bloke in the back of the bus said 'No, don`t do that pal. I'm a Celtic fan!' The guide looked at him and said 'That's okay we'll explain it to you afterwards'.
___________________________________________________
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Celtic Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
___________________________________________________
A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the supporter, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now f*** off".
____________________________________________________
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog on the road and dead Celtic fan on the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
____________________________________________________
Four surgeons were talking during a coffee break.
The first one says,
"Accountants are the easiest to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered".
The second one says,
"Nah, librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order".
The third says, "Try electricians, everything inside them is colour coded".
To which the fourth says," I prefer Celtic fans, they're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and
arses are interchangeable".
___________________________________________________
Q: What do Celtic fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities
___________________________________________________
Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a Celtic supporter?
A: A rooster says cock a doodle do, and a Celtic supporter says any cock'll do
___________________________________________________
Q: what's yellow and looks good on a Celtic Fan?
A: A JCB
___________________________________________________
Q:Why do people take a instant dislike to Celtic fans?
A: Because it saves time.
___________________________________________________
Thieves broke into the home of a Celtic Fan and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"
___________________________________________________
A Rangers fan and Celtic fan stumble upon a magic lamp.
The Rangers fan gets to it first, picks it up and gives it a rub. There's a flash, a puff of smoke, and a genie appears.
___________________________________________________
The genie looks at the 2 men and demands to know who it was that rubbed the lamp. Delighted, the
Rangers fan announces that it was him.
"Okay," says the genie, "So you get 3 wishes. But there's a catch."
"What's that then?" asks the 'Gers fan.
"Well, whatever you wish for, I'll give the other guy double."
"That's alright with me," says the 'Gers fan, and starts the ball rolling by wishing for a million pounds.
"Granted!" says the genie, "But the Celtic fan gets 2 million."
"Fair enough. Now, I'd like a nice new Ferrari,"
"Done. But the Celtic fan gets 2 Ferraris."
"Okay," says the Rangers fan, "I'd like to donate a kidney."
___________________________________________________
The Pope and the Queen attend the Old Firm Clash at Celtic park, the pope turns to the Queen and asks her if she wants to see 60,000 Celtic fans cheer, so the pope stands up and raises his hand, the Celtic fans stand up and cheer to show their acknowledgement.
The Pope and the queen attend the next Old Firm game at Ibrox and the queen turns to the Pope and asks if he wants to see 50,000 blue noses cheer, He says ok and the Queen sticks the head on him.
____________________________________________________
There's an American, a Celtic fan and a Rangers fan, they all have three wishes 1 each they go in turn.
The American says "I wish all my crops will grow, within seconds he has crops.
The Celtic fan says I wish I had a wall round parkhead stadium so no Rangers fans can get in.
They all say to the Rangers fan what do u want then the Rangers fan says to the celtic fan "Tell me more about this wall"
The Celtic fan replied "Well its 500 ft tall and 500 ft wide so nothing can get in or out of it"
The Rangers fan said "Fill it with water"
___________________________________________________
A female celtic fan goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the celtic fan
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan and Declan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." she says "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout DECLAAAN, YER DINNER'S READY or DECLAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," she says... "I just use their surnames"
_____________________________________________________
Einstein walks into a party and begins mingling with the guests there. He asks the first man he meets what his IQ is. "243" comes the reply.
"Great" says Einstein "we can discuss my theory of relativity and the mysteries of how the universe was formed."
The next person he meets is a woman, to whom he asks the same question. She says her IQ is 150. "Fantastic" says Einstein "we can discuss politics and current affairs!"
The last guy Einstein meets has a sloping forehead and is drooling all over the shop..
"What is your IQ my friend?" asks Albert. "67" comes the answer. Einstein replies: "Hartson had a blinder on Saturday, didn't he..."
____________________________________________________
A Celtic fan wearing his hoopy top walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking' for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black
Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Celtic fan said "You're bullsh*tting me!". The man behind the counter said "Well you f*ckin' started it!".
___________________________________________________
Martin O'neil, Henrik larsson and a dog are sitting in the pub when a man walks in and lifts the dog up in the air and looks underneath it then puts it back down and walks away.
Henrik says to Martin "what the fuck was that all about?" Martin replied "Haven't got a clue" two minutes later another man walks in picks up the dog and looks underneath and then walks out of the pub.
Straight after that another man walks in and lifts it up and looks underneath it and martin asks "Why the fuck are you looking under the dog?" the man replies "I heard there was a dog in the pub with two arses"
___________________________________________________
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when his teacher asked the children what was their fathers occupations. All the typical answers came up joiner-plumber-fireman, Johnny was being ncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My fathers an exotic dancer at a gay cabaret club , he takes off all his clothes and dances naked in front of other gay men , sometimes if the offers really good he'll go out into the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the arse"
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work with some colouring in and took little Johnny aside.
"Is that what your father really does for a living?" the teacher asked.
"No" said Johnny "he really plays football for Celtic but I was too embarrassed to say"
___________________________________________________
There's 3 Celtic Players crash land in the desert, Henrik Larsson. Paul Lambert & Neil Lennon. After a few days trying to make to some water it's looking grim for them.
Henrik Larsson looks to the sky only to see the vultures circling them, he says to the other 2 'look if i don't make it please bury my head under the sand cos i've an awful fear of those vutures pecking my eyes out, i know i'll be dead & won't feel it but please do it' they agree.
Next day he dies. They bury his head under the sand so the fucking vultures can't get his eyes. Then Paul Lambert turns to Neil & ask's the same to be done to him if he doesn't make it.
Next day he dies. Neil bury's Paul's head under the sand so the fucking vultures can't get his eyes. Neil Lennon now on his own looks up & starts panicking at the thought that the vultures will get his eyes when he dies. So he starts to bury his own head in the sand so they can't get him.
An arab then comes by on his camel & sees this strange sight. A man kneeling with his head buried in the sand, so the arab gets of the camel & starts riding Neil's arse. Neil with his head in the sand feels this & with tears in his eyes he screams 'YOU CAN PECK MA ARSE YA BASTARDS, BUT YOU'LL NEVER GET MY EYES'
____________________________________________________
Martin O'Neill died and went to heaven. God showed him to his new dwelling and it was a rundown shack with with an old tattered Tri Colour hanging over the front door. O'neill wasn't too happy with this at all. He looked off into the distance and saw a beautiful mansion with a massive Union Jack hanging over the doorway. O'neill thinks to himself, "Alex McLeish must have died too" and so he says to God, "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but how come Alex gets that gorgeous mansion for a home and all I get is this rundown shack?"
God replied, "That's not Alex home, that's mine!."
____________________________________________________
Its saturday and celtic have just been beaten 5-0 by a glorious Rangers theres thousands of angry celtic fans walking home cold steamin and hungry.
When a Rangers fan walks out of a close and shouts "one rangers fan is worth 100 of yous" then runs back into the close he's immediatly followed by 100 celtic fans theres a few screams then the wee rangers fan comes out again and shouts"one rangers fan is worth 200 of you's" then runs back in the close again immediatly followed by 200 celtic fans a few screams later the wee rangers fan comes saunterin out again only to shout this time "one rangers fan is worth 500 of you's" then runs back into the close again immediatly followed by 500 celtic fans.
A Celtic fan manages to crawl out of the close and before he died he shouted "he's lying theres two of them in there!!!!
____________________________________________________
Q: Why do Celtic fans whistle whilst sitting on the bog?
A: So they know which end to wipe!
____________________________________________________
There was this Cel'ic fan with a limited view seat at Cel'ic Park. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat down nearer the front. Thinking to himself "Whit a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken pal?" The man replied, "This wis ma wife's seat. We huv been comin' here fur ower thurty years. She passed away the ither day. She wis a really great Cel'ic fan."
The other man replied, "Ah'm very sorry tae hear of your loss mate, but why did you no' gie the ticket tae a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "Nae point, they're aw at the funeral."
___________________________________________________
A bloke on his way home from work till he comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, Fuck it, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replies: "It's a Sellic fan, he's just so depressed about losing the league to Rangers, being knocked out of Europe and winning Fuck all after gobbing off all season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, the press keep being biased his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job, I'm walking around taking a collection for him."
"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".
"So far," replies the policeman "Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
___________________________________________________
Celtic manager Martin O'Neill sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Henrik Larsson and hopefully win Celtic the Champions League. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
So Martin flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Celtic Park. Two weeks later Celtic are 4 - 0 down in the game of the Champions League against Ajax with only 20 minutes left. Martin gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Henke.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes, and wins the game for Celticc.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum, to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.
"Hi mum. Guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were mugged and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset.
"What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry! SORRY?!" says his Mum, "Its your bloody fault that we moved to Parkhead in the first place!
Last edited by Smithy on Sat Jan 26, 2008 2:36 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
FAQ 
Search 
Memberlist 
Usergroups
Join! (free)
Profile 
Log in to check your private messages 
Log in 
